


Learning to Love Again

by Peterhollandorgana



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, Did someone say romance?, Eventual Romance, F/M, Fix-It, Fluff and Angst, Its like half canon, M/M, Not Canon Compliant, Post-Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, Redeemed Ben Solo, Sorry JJ Abrams but your ending sucked, Time Travel Fix-It
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-04
Updated: 2020-05-29
Packaged: 2021-02-23 05:56:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 14,184
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23473498
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Peterhollandorgana/pseuds/Peterhollandorgana
Summary: "She is everything to him. His parents are gone, and he certainly does not have any friends. She is the one thing that he has. He wants to hold onto her forever and never let go."Ben always hated his name, family, and the legacy behind them both. What he didn't know is that he could learn to love all of it and Rey at the same time.A Post-TROS Fix-It fic that gives Ben the character development he so desperately needed.
Relationships: Obi-Wan Kenobi/Satine Kryze, Padmé Amidala/Anakin Skywalker, Poe Dameron/Finn, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 31
Kudos: 90





	1. Part One

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to my first chaptered writing! If you are confused, I have renamed the fic when I decided to go in a different direction with it. The first two chapters are the same! I have other plans for 'Wildflower' By 5 Seconds of Summer.

When Poe climbed out of the X-Wing, he immediately felt the difference in the air. Ajan Kloss had once felt dreary, with a feeling of impending doom weighing everyone down. Now, Poe felt as if he had never taken a better breath in his life.

He tugged the helmet off of his head, running a hand through the pile of sweaty curls that lay over his forehead. He then took a breath of the newly calmed air and sighed. He was home. They won.

Poe climbed out of his own X-Wing as the other resistance fighters were reconnecting and celebrating around him. A few noticed Poe immediately and ran over to thank him for his direction that proceeded in the success of the battle.

In the surrounding area, other resistance fighters were reuniting with their friends and family. The energy in the air was ecstatic. No matter who you were, you hugged everyone on base at least once. No one Poe came across had dry eyes.

Across the jungle floor from Poe, Finn was feeling equally overwhelmed as his fellow general. Resistance fighters were also coming up to speak to him, but Finn was still anxiously waiting for one more person to arrive back on base. Everything was so peaceful now, but they knew they wouldn’t rest until Rey was safely on the ground of Ajan Kloss.

Rey was scared. On the contrary, she had never felt safer, but she was terrified of losing Ben. Back on Exegol, Ben gave Rey his whole self, his entire being, but she wasn’t going to let him die. Somehow, she helped him into her X-wing, which was definitely not made to fit two people, let alone one Ben Solo, but they made it. He could barely stand without falling over, but he still insisted on piloting them back to the base. Rey was just as weak, and she knew they needed to make it back to Ajan Kloss if either of them had a chance at survival.

She gave Ben the coordinates and closed her eyes as they left the atmosphere of that godforsaken place. The two could feel how weak the other was, and Ben had started to feel lightheaded as they arrived.

He kept his free hand on Rey’s thigh as they descended the atmosphere. As long as she was okay, he would be too.

He tried to land as softly as possible, but there was no amount of gentleness that could keep him from the pain threatening to take over his entire body.

“I’m going to get help.” Rey turned to face Ben and lifted one of her hands up to caress his cheek. “I’ll be right back.” Her eyes searched his face, taking him in. Those deep hazel eyes, surrounded by the bruises from being beaten by his own knights. He smiled at her like she was the sun.

“I’m not leaving,” Ben replied. “Never again.”

Rey smiled back at him and nodded, moving to exit the aircraft so she could find Dr. Kalonia before she paused and turned back to face the man in front of her. “Ben,” She paused, looking to find the words to express how she was feeling accurately.

She opened her mouth to respond again, but he had beaten her to it. He had the faintest smile on his lips as he said, “I know.”

A blush crept up in Rey’s cheeks as she smiled again and pressed a soft kiss to his forehead before hastily climbing out of Red-5 and running into the crowd before her.

Finn noticed Rey first and ran to pull her into his arms. He thought she was dead.

“Finn!” Rey gasped, relieved at seeing her closest friend. “I need your help. Where’s Poe?” She looked around again before her eyes settled back on the man in front of her. “Please, you have to help. I can’t do it myself; I’m not strong enough.”

“Rey, what are you talking about?” Finn studied the look on her face, confused. “I don’t understand.”

Rey continued to look around for her other friend anxiously and finally spotted him a short distance away. “Poe! Poe please I need your help.”

Poe heard his name and brightly smiled when he saw the source. “Rey!” The curly-haired man jogged over from where he was standing and moved to hug Rey before she stopped him and grabbed his hand instead.

“I need your help, please.”

Finn put a hand on Rey’s shoulder to stop her, a concerned look on his face. “Are you okay? What’s going on?”

Rey shook her head. “Don’t worry about me, I need help getting Ben to the med bay. Please.” She looked between her two friends before jolting back to the x-wing where Ben was waiting for her.

Finn’s face had confusion written all over it as he looked at Poe and asked, “Who’s Ben?”

Poe opened his mouth to respond before shutting it again when the realization came to him. Without another word to Finn, he took off after Rey. “REY!”

She was already climbing back into the x-wing when Poe and Finn showed up behind her. Finn made eye contact with Ben first, pulling his blaster to aim at his head. “Rey, what the hell?”

Rey moved between the blaster and Ben, her eyes wide with fear. She looked to Poe for help, who only looked confused and uncertain. “Finn, please. He’s injured. He needs medical attention.”

“What are you doing? Why are you defending him?” Finn glanced at Poe for help as he tried to understand. “He’s tortured you through the force for over a year. Ren has no place on this base. He deserves to die for his crimes against the galaxy.”

Rey looked back at Ben then. She could feel how weak he was becoming through the force. He was running out of time. She turned back to her two friends with tears in her eyes and noticed that Finn’s abruptness with the blaster had caught the attention of other resistance members.

“Kylo Ren died on Kef Bir. He’s not a threat. Ben saved me. I can’t let him die, please. We have to get him to the med bay.” Rey paused as she took a shaky breath. “Please Finn. _Please._ ”

Rose pushed through the crowd then with Maz and Chewie close behind. She took one look at Maz who nodded with a smile on her face.

“Ben Solo,” Maz said. “A boy I haven’t seen in almost twenty years.”

Ben nodded weakly to her as Chewie side-stepped Poe and Finn and pulled him from the X-wing. The minute Chewie was supporting Ben’s weight and helped him over to the med bay, Rey collapsed against Rose; the adrenaline from saving Ben had expired.

Finn and Poe rushed over to help Rose carry Rey to the med bay, and set her in the cot next to Ben’s much to Finn’s dismay. Ben looked at Rey with a worried expression on his face as he attempted to sit up and reach for her. His eyes fled to Rose’s temporarily as he said “Please, help her first. She’s more important than me.”

Rose nodded and called over Dr. Kalonia to check over Rey while she applied bacta patches and cream to Ben’s more obvious wounds. “Rey would probably kill you if she knew you said that.”

“Not like she hasn’t before…” Ben attempted a chuckle but mostly winced at the pain in his chest. Why did he jump down that stupid hole?

Rose giggled slightly at his attempt at a joke while she continued to check him over. Finn and Poe watched on from some ten yards away as Ben refused Dr. Kalonia’s help and insisted that she continue to look over Rey instead between answering Rose's questions.

“Why does he keep doing that?” Finn asked as he turned away from the scene in front of them. “You’d think he’d want the help first so he could come and kill us all in our sleep.”

Before Poe could respond, a few resistance fighters walked over, curiosity having gotten the best of them. They uneasily glanced at the man sitting next to Rey as one of them asked, “Is that really him? Kylo Ren?”

Finn opened his mouth to speak but was cut off by Poe, who glanced between the comrades standing in front of him. He took a deep breath before responding. “No. Kylo Ren died on Exegol. That is Ben Solo, General Organa’s son.”


	2. Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are some references to the Resistance Reborn book, as well as The Rise of Kylo Ren comic series in this chapter. If you haven't read those, that's totally okay. The references don't mean anything significant to the plot and they don't spoil those works either. There's also a tiny hint of what I think Ben's attitude was like following the Bloodline novel where you find out that Leia never told Ben about Darth Vader.
> 
> Enjoy!

When Rey woke up about a day later, Finn was sitting protectively next to her cot. “You’re awake!”

“Hi,” she mumbled, slowly sitting up as she looked around hazily. “Where’s Ben?”

“Lando took Kylo for a walk.” Finn sat up straighter, his brows furrowed. “Why did you bring him back here?”

“He was dying, Finn. He needed as much help as I did. And his name is Ben.” Rey swung her legs over the side of the cot intending to get up and find Ben.

“You should have left him to die.”

“I wasn’t going to leave him to die!” Rey got to her feet, albeit too quickly, and stumbled back toward the cot as she saw stars. “Where is he?” Rey tried to reach out with the Force, but the stars in her eyes got worse.

“Rey, you need to lay back down. You’re still pretty weak.” Finn reached out to steady her before she collapsed back onto the cot.

“No,” She shook her head as she pushed away Finn’s arm. “I need to find Ben.”

“Rey-”

“Rey?!” Ben came running from out of nowhere, concern written all over his face. He pushed Finn out of the way and guided her back onto the cot. Rey’s hand was fisted in his tunic, but he didn’t mind. _She was awake_. “I’m right here, it’s okay.”

She nodded weakly, closing her eyes as laid her head back on the pillow. Ben kneeled on the floor next to her cot. “Go back to sleep. I-” He paused as he considered his words. “We’ll be here when you wake up. I promise.”

Rey nodded again, and after a few minutes, her grip on Ben’s tunic loosened as she fell back to sleep.

Once her grip fell completely from his tunic, Finn grabbed Ben’s collar and hoisted him up and away from Rey’s cot. “You need to leave her alone, got it?”

“Last I checked, she asked for _me,_ not you. You can’t tell Rey what to do. Trust me, I’ve tried _several_ times over. She’s as stubborn as it gets.”

Finn went to lunge at Ben when Poe stepped between them amongst Lando’s “HEY. Knock it off.”

“You deserved to rot on Exegol,” Finn spat out, his face filled with anger.

“I should have sliced you apart when I had the chance.” Ben glared at him, fuming.

“That is enough.” Lando stood between the two men and looked between them. “This stops now. I don’t care how much you hate each other; you need to calm down for the sake of everyone on this base.” He turned to Ben then, a disappointed look on his face. “You’re Leia’s son. Act like it.”

Ben took in a deep breath and nodded, walking the short distance back to Rey’s cot and sat on the stone floor beside her. After a few moments, he took bacta cream and ran it gently over her forehead. The sooner she woke up, the sooner they could leave this place.

Meanwhile, the remaining Resistance leadership had a meeting about Ben.

“He’s killed thousands of people throughout the galaxy, destroyed whole systems… How are we supposed to trust him? He could kill any of us in our sleep.” One of the pilots looked anxiously around at their comrades while they spoke. “It doesn’t matter to me if he saved Rey or not. We don’t even know what that means.”

Poe nodded as he ran a hand through his hair. “I understand your concerns. I don’t think the nightmares from my interrogation will ever go away. However, I think we need to consider the man who is sitting on our base right now. Not only is he Leia’s son, but he has done nothing but take a 3-minute walk around and sit on the stone floor next to Rey’s cot. He is physically unarmed. I don’t believe that he is a current threat to us.”

The usually quiet Beaumont spoke up then. “I agree with Poe. I know I haven’t been here very long, but I can tell that he has no interest in hurting any of us or compromising our plans to restore the Republic. Most of us cannot even get a conversation out of him.” He paused when his eyes wandered to where Ben was still sitting next to Rey’s cot. He looked like he hadn’t slept in days.

“We can’t punish him without the rest of the galaxy knowing,” he continued. “Lando, you knew him as a child. What was he like?”

All eyes drifted to General Calrissian then. “I’m sure it will come as a shock to you, but he was quite reserved as a child. He loved to study history and mostly kept to himself. Ben doesn’t plan on hurting anyone anymore. He went to Exegol to protect Rey from Palpatine. He didn’t count on the fact that Rey wouldn’t leave him behind. Ben is only here to survive.”

No one spoke for a few minutes as they took in Lando’s words.

Finn finally spoke up after the silence continued for several more minutes. “Well…Can we ship him off to some planet and hope we never see him again? He can live out his days as a farmer and keep away from all of us.”

Poe chuckled a bit. “That’s not a horrible idea.”

When the meeting adjourned, Lando pulled Finn and Poe aside. “When Rey is better, I’ll take Ben to Chandrila and set him up with some credits. But you will have to come to terms with the idea that you may never see Rey again.”

Finn laughed. “You’re kidding, right? Rey would never go anywhere with him. He’s a murderer.”

“Finn…” Poe said quietly, a look of disappointment on his face. “Lando’s right. You saw how she reacted when she woke up. Something happened between them that we don’t know.”

Finn looked down and sighed. “Do you remember that time on Ryloth when you interrupted that conversation between me and Rey? And I wouldn’t tell you what happened even when you pressed me about it for like two weeks?”

“Maybe? That was a while ago Finn.”

“Rey told me she had been talking to Kylo Ren…Through the Force. I don’t know how. She didn’t know either. It just sort of, happened I think. They couldn’t control it.”

Lando nodded. “A dyad. That’s what Ben called it. A unique connection through the Force that no one in a thousand years has experienced. Two halves of the same soul.”

Poe looked astonished. “How long has this been going on?”

Finn shrugged. “Since the dreadnought plan, I guess. When Rey left to train with Luke.”

The pilot nodded and turned to look at Ben and Rey across the jungle floor. “Do you think they’ve…”

Finn visibly gagged, but Lando just laughed. “That boy has no game, I promise you. He’s just like his father in so many ways.”

\---

Later that night when the sky was black, Finn decided he was going to spend the night next to Rey’s cot. Ben would just have to deal with him being there.

He sat on the opposite side of the cot from Ben, who had his eyes closed. Finn couldn’t tell if he was sleeping or not. He laid his head back against the cave wall and adjusted the blanket on his lap. It would be an uncomfortable night but at least he would be here to protect Rey if Ben pulled anything.

He sat in silence for a while, but he had just closed his eyes to go to sleep when Ben spoke. “How long have you known?”

“Known what?” Finn didn’t even bother opening his eyes, he knew this conversation would be over in a few moments.

“I don’t have to dig through your mind to feel your presence in the Force Finn.”

“I’d prefer it very much if you didn’t do that.”

Ben lightly coughed. “I have no plans to do anything like that ever again.”

Finn nodded although Ben couldn’t see that. “How did you learn to do that anyway?”

Ben didn’t speak for a few moments. Finally, he said, “Snoke. Which I guess now was Palpatine…It’s a variation of a Jedi mind trick that they used to use in the days of the Republic. I tried…I tried to use it to save someone a long time ago, but they died anyway…That’s when I decided that it could only be used by the dark, not the light.”

“I can see where you would make that assumption.” Finn paused as he contemplated his next words. “Could…Could you not tell Rey? I wanted to tell her myself."

“I’m sure she already knows, but no. I won’t tell her. But try to tell her soon. I don’t make a habit of keeping things from anyone, least alone Rey.”


	3. part 3

Rose came to check on Ben’s healing wounds a while later, a small stack of bacta patches and some cream in her hand. Finn sat quietly as he watched her kneel next to the brooding man.

“You really should be on your cot, you know.” Rose waited for Ben to tug his tunic off before she unwrapped a few of the patches to place on the purple bruises that highlighted his chest and abdomen. “How’s your leg?”

“It’s fine.”

She nodded and pressed the patches against his torso as gently as she could. Then she rubbed the bacta cream over his smaller cuts. “I saw you walking around, so it must be a little better.” Rose paused and looked up at the man she was caring for. “When you take these off in the morning, much to Dr. Kalonia’s dismay I might add, come find me and I can get you a towel for the ‘fresher. Have you eaten today?”

“I’m not hungry. I’m not sure anyone would like it very much if I tried to eat their food anyway. They all want me dead.” Ben looked down, and Rose thought she saw a look on his face that could have been construed as _“I deserve to be dead.”_

Rose didn’t reply. Instead, she stuck her hand underneath Rey’s cot and dug around for a few seconds.

“Hey. What are you-?”

Rose smirked at him as she pulled out a small pile of nutrient packs. “Rey hoards them. She thinks no one noticed but…” She handed Ben the small pile, as well as the jar of bacta cream. “I think one more coat on her forehead should get rid of that nasty cut. Try to get some sleep, Ben.”

He nodded to her as he grabbed the nutrient packs and bacta cream from her hand. “Thank you, Rose.”

“Don’t worry about it. Get some sleep.” She stood up and took any garbage with her. Before she walked too far she turned back to face Finn. “Goodnight Finn.”

Finn nodded to her and turned his eyes back to the man sitting across from him. “I uh…I didn’t realize you were that injured.”

Ben shrugged. “I’m used to pain, I guess.” He looked up at Rey then and his eyes visibly softened. “Did you know about the food?”

Finn shook his head. “She’s pretty good at pretending everything is okay. I didn’t know she felt so…afraid.”

“She wasn’t afraid.” He looked back at Finn then. “Not in the way you’re thinking. She’s a survivor…a scavenger.” He shuddered at the thought of referring to her that way. “She has to be prepared. I can’t imagine that she had a perfect meal every day of her life as we did.” Ben reached up and brushed some hair out of Rey’s eyes. “She deserves to be treated like a queen.”

“She does,” Finn agreed.

Ben remained silent after that and rested his head against Rey’s cot. He sat and listened to her breathing for a while, which eventually put him to sleep.

He woke up to the early morning light several hours later with Rey’s hand stuck through his hair. “Good morning,” he mumbled.

“Oh no, did I wake you?” Rey pulled her hand away and looked off into the distance embarrassed. Her face had turned beet red.

He sat up completely and faced Rey. The color had come back to her cheeks. She looked like herself again. “No, no. That…That felt nice.”

Her cheeks grew redder as she smiled sheepishly. “Okay.”

“How are you feeling?” Ben ran a hand through his hair as it fell into his face, although he wished it was Rey’s hand.

“Better. A lot better actually. How are you?” She sat up and moved to the edge of her cot, her feet touching the ground as she situated herself.

“I’m fine. I’ve…been waiting for you to wake up.”

Rey’s smile grew bigger and her head ducked to hide the blush creeping up her neck into her ears. “Has Finn been there all night?”

“Yes, he just sort of sat there. We didn’t talk much.”

“You had a conversation? You and Finn?”

Ben shook his head. “Only for a moment. It was very short.”

She nodded. “What did you talk about?”

Ben looked away, suddenly nervous. “Nothing…It’s not important.”

They sat in awkward silence for a few minutes, not sure what to say to one another. They’d never had a real conversation without being interrupted before. Rey turned to the side and propped her feet back up onto her cot as she undid the notches in her hair, letting it fall loose around her shoulders. Ben couldn’t take his eyes off of her. He had only seen her hair down twice before…Over a year ago, on Ach-To through the Force, and then on the Supremacy when they fought Snoke. She had only worn her hair down for him. _Like my mother did._

Ben shook the thought away. She was gone.

“Can I show you something?” Rey’s voice tugged Ben from his thoughts. He looked up to see her lip between her teeth. She was afraid he would say no.

“Of course.” He tugged his shoes on and handed Rey her boots before following her. Her hair fell right over her shoulders and slightly down her back as she walked. _It’s longer now._

Ben followed her through the quiet base in the early morning light and straight into the jungle. He remembered how Luke once called Ajan Kloss “nice Dagobah.” He never would have guessed that his mother would choose this planet as a rebel base. The air was humid, and it rained constantly. Ben hated it.

Rey, on the other hand, loved it. She loved walking through the greenery as she listened to the various birds and other species that lived in the trees above. She never wanted to live on a desert planet again.

When she turned around to face Ben, she had a huge grin on her face. “Isn’t it amazing?”

Ben nodded and gave her a nervous smile in return. “Yeah, it’s quiet. I haven’t been in a place this…peaceful, in a while. Years probably.”

“I don’t know how you could sleep with the sound of those awful stormtrooper boots walking around.”

“I didn’t sleep, not much anyway. You um…You tune out the noises after a while.” He looked away from her then. Being this open was hard for him. He’d never had someone to confide in before.

“Ben,” Rey took a step toward him and reached out for his hand. They were both suddenly reminded of that night on Ach-To. It felt familiar. It felt _right._

Ben hesitated before finally taking Rey’s hand in his own. He took a shaky breath. His anxiety was swirling. Her hand was tiny compared to his, but it fit perfectly in his own. Like it was meant to be there.

“Take it one step at a time. I don’t expect you to tell me everything at once. Just don’t forget that you’re safe here. You don’t have to hide. Not from me.” She practically took the words out of his mouth.

He didn’t have time to process a response before she continued. “Now, c’mon. We’re almost there.” Rey tugged on his hand and guided him through the jungle until they stopped at a tree next to a small path.

Rey put her hand upon the tree and traced gash in the tree that had almost completely healed. “Leia was training with Luke when she slashed the tree with her lightsaber. She said that it’s been healing for over 20 years.”

“31 years…” Ben mumbled. He stared at the gash in the tree, confused and heartbroken. “She…She never told me.”

Rey pulled Leia’s lightsaber out of the bag on her shoulder. “Luke gave this to me. You should have it. It belongs to you.”

Ben turned and stared at the saber in her hand. The hilt was silver with small hints of pink. It’s exactly what his mother’s saber would have looked like in his head.

He didn’t realize he was crying until Rey reached up and gently wiped the wetness away from under his eyes with her thumb. “I’m sorry she’s not here. She would be so relieved to see you come home.”

Ben leaned into Rey’s touch but said nothing. He was consumed with one thought: _My mother was a Jedi._

“Did…Did she tell you anything else?” He looked at her hopefully with his tear-filled eyes. Where Leia was afraid of confiding in her son, maybe she learned to confide in Rey.

“Not her…Luke. He said that when they were training, she saw a vision. She saw her son’s death at the end of her Jedi path. She gave Luke her saber and never turned back, so she could save you.”

When Ben said nothing, Rey took another step toward him and wrapped her arms around his middle in a hug. “She loved you so much, Ben.”

After a moment of hesitation, Ben wrapped his arms tightly around Rey and pulled her closer as he rested his chin on the top of her head. “There are so many things I don’t know…Will you help me?”

“Of course I will.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're officially setting up the plot now! What will Ben uncover?? Tell me your thoughts in the comments.


	4. Part 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am warning you now, this is a very emotional chapter. But you will very much enjoy the end.
> 
> Shoutout to my dear friends Kate and Shelly for the wonderful ideas that led to Ben's memories!

Ben knew the first thing he had to do was apologize to Chewie. He waited until everyone was distracted, including Rey, and snuck off toward the Falcon. He shielded his force signature from Rey so she wouldn’t follow him. He needed to do this alone.

The last time Ben was on the Falcon was a year ago. The day his father died. The day he killed his father. Before that, he had been ten years old as his parents shipped him off to Luke’s Jedi academy.

He took the ramp slowly, his feet feeling like bricks. When he got to the top just inside the Falcon, he stopped. His chest felt heavy. Childhood memories all came flooding back to him in an instant.

_6-year-old Ben was running up and down the corridors of his father’s ship with a cardboard blaster that Han had made him a few days ago. He was shooting invisible enemies and jumping up and down to celebrate. After every celebration, he would run off and start his siege over again. He was unstoppable._

_That is until he tripped on a raised piece of the flooring and fell flat on his face. He had not mastered the skill of realizing he was actually okay and began crying. He curled up in a ball on the floor and cradled his head in his hands. Everything hurt._

_Suddenly, Han came running in out of nowhere and scooped his son up in his arms. “It’s okay son. Dad’s right here.” He rubbed his hand up and down on Ben’s back and carried him back to the captain’s quarters to lie down._

\--

_Ben always had trouble sleeping, especially when he was a child. He would have nightmares almost every night. In his frightened state, his emotions would rattle around the room and make objects float._

_On one particular night, Leia was off-world on a diplomatic mission, which meant that Han was supposed to take care of him. He was not particularly good at soothing his son’s fears. That was Leia’s job. Han did his best, but it never turned out that well. He still had a scar on his forehead from where Ben threw a block at him with the force during a tantrum._

_Han walked carefully into Ben’s room and sat on the bed next to him as he reached out to rub his back gently. Suddenly, an idea came to him._

_“Ben, do you want to go for a ride?”_

_He turned over onto his back and looked up at his father with tear-filled eyes. “A ride?”_

_“Yeah.” Han scratched the back of his head nervously. “We could fly over to the next star system and come back. Does that sound okay?”_

_Ben nodded as he sat up slowly and moved onto his father’s lap. “That sounds fun dada.”_

_Han scooped his son up then and locked the door to their apartment before heading down to the docking bay and onto the Falcon. He kept Ben in his lap as they flew around the stars. After a while, Ben was curled up in Han’s lap, sound asleep._

\--

_A little boy named Poe that Ben had met the week before taught him a game called hide and seek. Given that Ben was a quick learner, he excelled at this new game._

_He had chosen the best spot so far, underneath the lowest bunk in the captain’s quarters. He was just small enough to fit underneath. It was the perfect location to hide from his dad._

_Han, on the other hand, hated this game. Ben was very good at it and he was not. He walked up and down the corridors and through all of the rooms at least three times. He could not find Ben._

_At this point, he was beginning to panic. What if someone had taken him? Leia had plenty of enemies in the Senate that could be capable of kidnapping a small child. What if he transported himself through the Force. Is that a thing? Han didn’t exactly know how the Force worked._

_A few more minutes went by without Han finding Ben. Finally, he resorted to calling Leia. He pulled the comlink out of his pocket and attempted to reach Leia. He knew she was in a Senate meeting, but this was important. He lost their son._

_When she didn’t answer, Han resorted to yelling. “Ben?! Where did you go kid?” He ducked into the cockpit again, looking up and down in the room. “You’re very good at this kid. You beat your old man at almost anything.”_

_He doubled back and checked all of Ben’s previous hiding spots, and even the ‘fresher. Ben was nowhere to be found._

_“Ben. Please come out. I need to know you’re okay. I’m really worried about you.”_

_When he still didn’t hear anything, he headed back to the captain’s quarters and sat down on the bunk. After a moment, Han began to cry. He wasn’t a perfect father, but he loved his son with everything he had. And if he was kidnapped? Leia would never forgive him._

_Han rested his head in his hands and sobbed._

_Ben was still sitting underneath the bunk when he heard his father begin to cry. He crawled out from underneath the bed and pulled himself into Han’s lap. “Dada?”_

_“Ben!” Han pulled his son into his arms and cradled him as close as possible. “I was so scared that I lost you.”_

_“I sorry dada. I was hiding under the bed.” He snuggled his head in the crook of Han’s shoulder and laid there content._

\--

Ben sank to the floor and sobbed at the thought of his memories on this ship. He couldn’t get the memory of his father’s touch on his cheek out of his head. He wished that he could go back in time and fix his mistake. He wanted to go home. He never even got to say goodbye to his mother.

Chewie could hear Ben’s cries from the cockpit and set out down the corridor to find him. He didn’t say anything as he knelt down on the floor and pulled Ben into his arms.

“Chewie” Ben gasped out. “I-‘m so sorry. I’m sorry for everything. I had no right to go into your head like that. I-I would take it all back if I could.”

Chewbacca mumbled something in Shyriiwook which Ben mildly understood as “It’s okay. You’re home now.” Ben cried even more after that.

\--

When he decided that he was ready to go back to the rebels’ cave, Ben hugged Chewie one last time and wiped his eyes on the sleeve of his tunic. “We… we should do some target practice someday. I probably need some practice.” Ben awkwardly laughed. He needed to get a grip.

He said one last goodbye to Chewbacca and headed back toward the center of the base. He found Rey in the cave, sitting at her workbench. She was fiddling with her unfinished saber, a concentrated look on her face.

“Can I join you?” He ran a hand through his hair nervously. He was positive that his eyes were bloodshot and swollen and he had no idea what Rey would think.

“Yes. Let me just,” Rey started to move over to make room for Ben when he sat down and pulled her into his lap instead.

“Is this okay?”

Rey turned slightly to look at him with a smile growing on her face. “This is perfect.”

She snuggled into Ben’s grip and continued to fiddle with her lightsaber or lack of one. He watched quietly as she attempted to fit pieces together. He then wrapped his arms around her middle and set his chin atop her left shoulder.

“You are much better at this than I was. You’re a natural.”

Rey giggled. “That lightsaber was a piece of junk, you know.”

Ben dramatically sighed as an attempt at humor. “It served its purpose at the time.”

She turned back to face him just enough to plant a kiss on his cheek. “You can build a better one. And it’ll be much more stable than the last one. What did you do with that one by the way?”

“I uh, I threw it in the ocean on Kef Birr. It was the right thing to do, looking back. But I did not consider the fact that you could have only had one lightsaber with you.”

“That’s the thing…Luke told me to take both of the sabers with me. He knew you would come.”

Ben only nodded and placed his head back on her shoulder. But only a few minutes later, he had thought of something. “Y’know, when the Jedi younglings would head to Ilum in search of their kyber crystal, they would build their lightsaber through the Force. They would levitate it in the air in front of them and the Force would guide them into building their own saber.”

“That sounds brilliant. Where did you learn that?” Rey was fascinated. She had no idea that Ben knew things about the old Jedi.

“I used to study the Jedi and the Clone Wars when I was a kid. It was a hobby of mine.” A blush rose up into Ben’s cheeks. He had never told anyone before besides his parents.

“Is that how you built your old lightsaber?”

Ben nodded. “It was still incomplete when I destroyed it to use the crystal, but yes. I tried to incorporate the old Jedi techniques into my learning.”

“Could you show me how?”

“I can try. I’m not sure how well of a teacher I am.”

Ben had Rey turn back to face her workbench and slightly hold her arms out toward the pieces. “Close your eyes and quiet your mind. Reach out to the Force. The design will become clear to you.”

Rey did as Ben told her, and the pieces of her lightsaber began to float in the air in front of them. He could tell that she was a little over-eager as the pieces began to shake a little bit.

“Slow down. Concentrate. Let the Force guide you.”

Rey nodded and tried to slow down. She could feel every movement through the Force. Somehow, she knew where each piece fit with the one next to it. She was moving different pieces around to make them all fit together until it was complete. She opened her eyes then and held her completed saber in her hand. A grin slowly crept onto her face as she clicked it on, and it lit up yellow.

In an instant, she dropped the saber back on her workbench and turned in Ben’s lap to face him. Without a second thought, she kissed him fervently. She wrapped her arms around his neck as he pulled her flush against him. This was only her second kiss, but it was even better than the last.

When they finally pulled away enough to breathe, Rey grinned at him. “Thank you for helping me.”

“I didn’t do anything. That was all you.”

“Would you just let me compliment you once? You deserve it. You walked me through the whole-”

Ben realized the only way to quiet her was to kiss her again, so that’s exactly what he did. He kissed her again and again until their lips were swollen and their eyes glassy as they tried to catch their breaths.

Little did they know, Finn watched them from a few hundred feet away, wondering how they fell in love right under everyone’s noses.


	5. Part 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Cliff Hanger! 
> 
> I am sorry for what you are about to endure.

Beaumont Kin wanted to be an educator. He spent his entire life up to this point studying language and history, and he wanted to take what he knew and teach the next generation of students. That is until the First Order blew up the Hosnian system last year.

Beaumont was now sitting across from Ben Solo, wondering how he got to this moment.

When the conversation lulled, Beaumont looked Ben straight in the face and said, “Did you give the order to blow up the Hosnian system?”

The conversations around them stopped as Ben coughed awkwardly. “No. That was Hux. He was in charge of the military. I was just kind of…around.”

“But weren’t you the supreme leader?”

Rey glared at Beaumont. “Stop, please.”

Ben gently grabbed Rey’s thigh to calm her. “It’s okay. I can take it.” He looked back at Beaumont then. “That was after. And besides…It was a very different situation.”

Rey could feel Ben’s embarrassment through the Force, which made her giggle. They had never talked about it, but Rey knew he was the Supreme Leader only so no one could stand in his way when he tried to find her. She wasn’t about to excuse the murder and torture, but it was kind of obnoxious what he was willing to do to be with her.

Beaumont looked at the pair confused. “Is there something we don’t know?”

Rey bit her lip and shook her head. “No, no. My laugh was highly inappropriate. My apologies.”

Ben, on the other hand, was frozen. He had never heard Rey laugh before. He hadn’t a clue why she did, but he wanted to learn how to be funny _just_ so she would keep laughing. It sounded angelic.

“Y’know Ben, Beaumont is a pretty good historian. He helped me analyze some of Luke’s old Jedi texts.” She paused and turned back to the man across from her. “Ben used to study the Clone Wars when he was a kid.”

“And uh…and the old Jedi. It was a long time ago though…” Ben looked away nervously.

“Really? I love studying about the old Jedi. I met Lor San Tekka once, before the war. He was a great man. He had so much knowledge about the Jedi. He had this collection of Jedi artifacts once, I wonder what happened to it.” Beaumont started going on about different things that San Tekka had taught him several years back, his face illuminated and hand gestures a bit intense.

After about a minute of Beaumont talking, Ben suddenly got up and walked a few hundred feet into the jungle behind them and threw up.

Rey turned and watched him go for a moment before excusing herself to run after him. “Ben?”

She found him sitting behind the base of a tree not far from the clearing with his head in his hands. It was when she got closer that she heard him crying.

“Ben?” Rey said again. She slowly walked up and sat beside him before resting her head on his shoulder. “Can I do anything?”

He didn’t look up at her as he spoke. “If I asked you to kill me, you’d refuse. So, no.”

Rey didn’t respond, instead, she maneuvered her way into his lap and wrapped her arms around his middle in a hug. They sat like this for who knows how long before Rey spoke again.

“Would you tell me what made you so upset?”

Ben sat in silence for a few moments. He did not want to tell Rey what he did. But he also knew that he would never have peace if he didn’t reconcile with himself either. “I killed Lor San Tekka when I was looking for the map.” He mumbled. “Before I met you.”

“Okay.”

“Okay? Just okay? He was a family friend and one of my few mentors. He didn’t deserve to die.”

“Ben, the first step to all of this is admitting that you were wrong. We can’t go back and change the past. But we can recognize our mistakes and grow from them.”

Ben sniffled as he nodded. “How are you so good at this?”

“I’m not really. Sometimes I feel like the Force is guiding me. It sounds stupid but…”

“My dad used to say ‘That’s not how the Force works,’ but do any of us know how it works? Look at us, defying the odds with our dyad. There are still so many things we don’t know.”

When they finally head back toward the base, Ben went to find Beaumont. He left Rey amid her friends and made an excuse about going to the ‘fresher. He found the man sitting near some computers among a flood of books and notes.

“Hey, uh…Beaumont?”

He spun around in his chair to face Ben with a curious look on his face. “What can I do for you?”

“Lor San Tekka lived on Jakku when he died. I’m sure the village is still there. There might be Jedi artifacts or scrolls in his hut. Would you be interested in going with me?” Ben scratched the back of his head nervously as he talked. He had no idea what Beaumont would say. “We can…We can take Lando with us if you’re nervous about traveling alone with me.”

“Sure, why not? I don’t mind traveling with you unless you have a vendetta against historians or something,” he joked.

Ben choked. “No. No no, no, no, no. I…I need to go back there. I need to move on from the past.”

Beaumont nodded. “Alright then. When do you want to go?”

“Tomorrow.”

\--

It was later that night when Ben decided to tell Rey that he was going to Jakku, but he never got the chance.

“Beaumont is…nice. Thank you for introducing him to me.” He was sitting next to her on the floor of the Falcon, where Ben had decided to sleep. The cots on the base were much too small for his frame.

“You’re very welcome.” She smiled up at him. “I’m glad that you are starting to make friends.”

Ben laughed lightly and shook his head. “I am definitely not making friends. These people are just being nice to me because they think I will kill them in their sleep.”

“We both know that you won’t do that. You have to show that to them; earn their trust.”

“Well, I heard people mumbling about how I brainwashed you into loving me.” Ben looked away feeling anxious. _What if they’re right?_

Rey choked when she heard the word loving. “What did you say?”

“People think that I’ve brainwashed you into this…thing that we have. It doesn’t seem like they want to trust me.”

Rey shook her head and completely turned to face him. “Ben, you said love.”

Ben froze in place, staring at Rey. He pretty much just told her that he loved her. His mouth opened and closed a few times before he finally said, “I…I guess I did, didn’t I?”

Rey didn’t have any memories of her parents telling her that they loved her before they left. No one had ever told Rey that they loved her. She was terrified that all of this was just a sick joke. “Did you mean it?”

Ben wanted to make up and excuse and say that it was an accident, up until he saw Rey’s face. He realized that she had never really known love before. So instead, he nodded. “I meant it.”

Rey wrapped her arms around Ben in a hug and pressed her face into the space between his neck and shoulder. She didn’t say anything in return, but she didn’t have to. Ben knew that she loved him.

The two sat on the floor entwined in each other’s arms for a while longer before Ben picked Rey up and laid down on his bunk with her. Ben was the most comfortable he had ever been since he was a child and fell asleep easily against Rey’s tiny frame.

In the morning, Ben awoke first and daydreamed while Rey slept soundly next to him. He imagined what his life would be like with Rey on a random planet far away from where they were now. Maybe he could take her to Naboo and show her the beautiful Lake Country. He could hear little toddling feet running around in his head too, which made his chest burn. He had never imagined a life with children. He told himself that he would never want children for many years. That was…until he found Rey.

But, something else tugged at his mind. Something Master Luke said over ten years ago. _Jedi do not have attachments. It blinds them from their purpose._

The air was sucked right out of Ben’s lungs as the lines played over and over in his mind. He knew that Rey wanted to be a Jedi, he could sense it in her. But she could not be a Jedi if they were together. He was a distraction; a failure. Ben had no place in her story.

He wiped the tears from his eyes quickly and carried Rey back to her cot within the shelter of the cave. He then found parchment on someone’s workbench and scrawled a short letter to her, before placing it underneath her small pillow.

He took one last look at Rey before going to find Beaumont and head to Jakku.

\--

When Rey woke up a few hours later, she felt a little empty without being in the presence of Ben. She assumed, however, that he was off somewhere going over notes or ideas with Beaumont. She was glad that he was making friends.

She got up and gathered her things to head toward the ‘fresher when Poe diverged straight into her path with a smirk on his face. “So,” Poe grinned. “I heard you and Solo got pretty frisky the other day. Is he a good kisser?”

Rey’s face turned beet red at the comment. “I…uh…”

“C’mon Rey, don’t tell me that was your first kiss. It’s nothing to be ashamed of to want a little love.”

“Second…” Rey mumbled as she looked down at the floor.

“Not bad for a second kiss. Who was the first? Was it Finn?” Poe teased and poked her shoulder lightly.

“What? No. Finn is my friend. It was Ben, on Exegol.” Rey felt very awkward. She had no experience talking about this kind of thing, with anyone.

Poe nodded. “Well, you seem happy. I’ll hurt him if he ever does anything to you.”

“Noted.” Rey smiled. Poe gave her a mock salute and went to head on his way when Rey grabbed his hand to stop him. “Poe…Can I ask you something?”

“Of course you can. What can I do for you?” Poe ran a hand through his hair as he watched her struggle with the right words.

“What if…” She began to mumble, nervous. “What if he wants to…?” She bit her lip as she looked up at Poe anxiously.

“Well, uh…We should talk to Dr. Kalonia about you getting an implant. I don’t think anyone wants a mini Kylo Ren running around here.” Rey choked and then laughed. He made a good point.

“Then, you have to find a good location. Somewhere nice, quiet, and away from everyone. And clean, always find somewhere clean. I’d recommend a resort room or something. There’s not a good place on this wet planet.”

“What do I wear?”

Poe laughed. “Nothing, sweetheart. It doesn’t matter what you’re wearing. It all ends up on the floor.”

Rey nodded. “Anything else I should know?”

“Sex will change everything that you think you know about each other. It’s extremely intimate. Remember that.”

Rey nodded again. “Thank you, Poe. That is really helpful.”

Poe smiled. “You’ve got this kid. Go get ‘em.”

When they said goodbye, Rey ran to the ‘fresher as she originally planned before heading back to her cot to grab her boots. When she bent down, she saw the corner of something peeking out from under her pillow. She pulled it out and realized it was an envelope.

She carefully opened it, which revealed a short letter in beautiful handwriting.

_Rey,_

_Last night was one of the best nights I have ever had. I have lost track of the days that we have been here, but I know it has not been very long. However, I have loved you since the beginning. You are the light in my darkness. The blood in my veins. I adore you._

_I know how much you want to be a Jedi; a true Jedi. But, during Luke’s training all those years ago, he engrained something in my head. “Jedi cannot have attachments.”_

_You won’t be able to become the Jedi that the galaxy needs you to be if we are together. I will hold you back. The galaxy needs you much more than I need you._

_I am going to Jakku with Beaumont for a few days. I need to find peace for what I did to Lor San Tekka. I took R2 and C-3PO with me (as much as I did not want to bring him)._

_I love you so much, Rey. I hope you can forgive me for this._

_Ben_

Rey dropped the letter on the ground, frozen in place. It was only seconds before she began to sob.


	6. Part 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: angst ahead. I promise you that the fluff will come back soon enough!! 
> 
> I originally planned on this chapter being much longer but instead, I've split it into several chapters to focus on Ben's development.
> 
> Enjoy!

It would take about a standard day to reach Jakku from Ajan Kloss.

Ben regretted leaving the letter for Rey as soon as he boarded the Millennium Falcon, but it was too late. Rey had probably already woken up and read it.

He walked quietly through the corridors of the ship, refusing to go into the cockpit. He couldn’t bear the memories that the room held. He made a mental note to himself that he would clean up the ship when they arrived back on Ajan Kloss. There was dust and grime everywhere, and it was disgusting. He was so used to everything being polished and clean around him. It was quite the change to be in the tattered old ship again.

Ben went back to the Captain’s quarters and sat down on the bed that he and Rey had shared the night before.

He heard that noise again when he closed his eyes: the tiny feet running around the corridors of the ship, the laughter of a small child. It would haunt him for the rest of his life.

He opened his eyes again and shook his head. He needed these ideas out of his mind, and soon.

Ben shrugged off the black tunic from his body and tugged off his boots before laying back on the bunk. He stared up at the bottom of the bunk above him and decided he needed to talk to Rey, probably against his better judgment.

Closing his eyes, he reached out to her through the Force.

\--

Rey was hiding in the forest, away from everyone on the base.

She kept reading the letter over and over, trying to figure out what she did wrong. They were happy. _So_ happy. Some old memory from Luke should not have changed his mind so suddenly.

She was sitting up in a tree on one of the high branches when she felt him.

_“Rey.”_

She should have put her mental shields up against him while she had the chance.

“Go away. I don’t want to talk to you.”

_“Rey, please let me explain.”_

She stopped. She so desperately wanted him to explain. She wanted him to apologize and tell her that he was wrong. That he loved her.

Instead, she mumbled, “You abandoned me.” It was her deepest fear: abandonment.

Ben’s chest ached. He was a _horrible_ person. He knew her fears, and he completely disregarded them without a second thought.

“I’m…I’m sorry. Rey, I didn’t think…” He trailed off. Ben had no excuse.

_“You don’t think. You take whatever you want, and then you throw it away like garbage when you have no need for it anymore. You_ knew _that my parents abandoned me, you knew that. You knew that I felt alone in this place, but you left anyway. You didn’t even stop to ask me if I would come with you!”_

Ben went to speak again, but Rey cut him off. _“No, you don’t get to come up with excuses. I thought you were_ good _Ben, but you’re still the same monster on the inside.”_

And then Rey severed the connection without a second thought.

\--

**Jakku, Standard Day One**

Ben and Beaumont trudged around in the sand for a while before they found the old village with coordinates that BB-8 had given them. The sand was covering the weapons and small possessions that littered the ground, but the huts were mostly intact.

Beaumont moved forward first and began his trek into the depth of the little village. He picked up some of the old weapons that still remained and brushed the sand off to look them over.

Ben, on the other hand, could not move. He stood right in the spot where his shuttle landed almost two years ago. The memory played like a Holocron film in his head.

_Screams filled the air among the blaster fire. Blue and red bolts of energy ran across the air, back and forth, back and forth. Some of the huts were on fire, pots, and equipment thrown around and broken in the sand._

_Lor San Tekka stood in the middle of the chaos, unharmed and waiting. He knew what was coming._

Beaumont looked back at the man behind him who had not moved from his spot in the sand. “Solo?”

Ben blinked and took a few small steps forward before stopping again. He pointed to a clearing in the sand between the huts and the leftover chaos. “Lor San Tekka stood there when the Stormtroopers captured him.”

He glanced at Beaumont, who nodded for him to continue. He knew that this was important to Ben.

Ben took a shaky breath before he spoke again. “The shuttle landed there,” He pointed back to where he was previously standing. “The Stormtroopers herded all of the villagers to the middle and dragged Lor San Tekka…” He paused, walking about ten feet forward. “Here.”

_“I know where you come from…Before you called yourself Kylo Ren.”_

Ben dropped to his knees without saying anything else. Uninvited tears streamed down his face violently as he pushed his head into his hands. “I killed him,” he whispered.

\--

Rey was meditating in the air when she felt a crush of searing emotional pain. The world stopped, and she fell to the ground gasping for breath. _Ben._

She could see memory in her mind as if it was her own. There was fire and destruction as villagers screamed all around her. She watched as Kylo approached an old man, who she realized was Lor San Tekka and had a brief conversation before slicing him down with his unstable saber.

She was still mad at Ben, but she couldn’t sit and feel him suffer alone across the galaxy.

“Ben,” she called out. “Remember what I said. We can’t go back and change the past. But we can recognize our mistakes and grow from them. You are _strong._ Make up for your actions and find peace.”

She felt his pain get worse as she took a deep breath. She didn’t realize that she was crying until a tear fell down onto her hand.

\--

Beaumont helped Ben back to the ship and onto his bunk in the Captain’s quarters. He then grabbed a canteen of water and left it at his side.

Ben said nothing to Beaumont until he was leaving the room. “Thank you,” he mumbled, feeling ashamed. He couldn’t even last ten minutes in that village without having a panic attack. He didn’t deserve the help.

The historian nodded. “I’ll go back tomorrow and see what I can find in San Tekka’s hut. You need to rest.” He tossed Ben a comlink as we walked out of the room. “Call Rey.”

He held the small device in his hand and ran his thumb up and down over the metal. She had helped him today. She didn’t need to do that, but she did it anyway.

_Maker,_ he was an idiot.

R2-D2 rolled over to Ben’s bunk from the corner of the room and beeped lowly.

“Not now Artoo,” Ben muttered as he pulled the sand tainted tunic from his body.

The droid beeped again, more forcefully.

“What do you mean you have a holo you need to show me?” Ben looked at the old droid skeptically. He definitely fried a circuit.

Almost immediately, R2-D2 displayed a Holocron of what looked like a wedding and an old one at that. This holo was ancient.

“R2 you are definitely malfunctioning, come here you old thing.” Ben took a step toward the astromech who then rolled backward slightly and beeped aggravatingly at him as if to say “Just watch the video idiot.”

Ben sighed and looked down at the hologram below him. He saw two people, a man, and a woman, being married in front of a lake. Ben could see C-3PO in the corner of the Holocron, but he could not tell who the two people were. “Is…Is this my…” He trailed off. He didn’t think that his parents had ever had a real wedding.

R2 shook on his wheels and beeped again. “These are your grandparents, Padme Amidala and Anakin Skywalker.”

Ben looked at the droid confused. “Anakin Skywalker died with Order 66. Darth Vader was my grandfather. Mother told me so herself.”

The astromech beeped solemnly as if to say “Anakin _was_ Darth Vader.”


	7. Part 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shout out to my co-worker Elliot who came up with the brilliant idea for this chapter when we were brainstorming!

**Jakku Standard Day Two**

_A silver ship settled on the landing strip with between the fog-filled air. A second, smaller, support ship landed nearby. Two individuals climbed out of the smaller spacecraft and waited for the members of the larger ship to disembark._

_Rey walked down the ramp of the silver ship in a long white and silver gown. She was the most beautiful woman that Ben had ever seen._

_Just as Ben took a step forward to greet her, the ship exploded, and the blast pushed Rey hard onto the concrete several feet forward. Ben ran toward her and pulled her into his arms, but it was too late._

_Rey looked up at him, her eyes almost closed. She blinked the tears from her eyes as she said: “I’m sorry, Ben.”_

_But before he could say anything in reply, Rey’s head fell back unsupported as she perished._

Ben jolted awake with a scream. He was covered in sweat from head to toe, the sheets drenched. Tears streamed down his face, and his chest was heavy as he breathed. He fumbled around for the comlink that Beaumont had given him a few hours earlier, and he pressed the button to contact whoever would answer. He needed to make sure that Rey was okay.

After a few moments, Poe’s voice rang in Ben’s ears. “Beaumont?”

“Dameron…It’s me.”

“Solo! How are you? It’s pretty quiet here without you causing hot gossip. What can I do for you?”

“I need to talk to Rey…Please.”

“Sure, I can try to find her,” Poe trailed off, and even though he couldn’t see him Ben swore that he was running a hand through his hair. “You see Ben-”

“Solo. Just Solo.” Rey was the only person allowed to call him by his birth name. Hearing it from anyone else’s lips made his head explode.

“Right, sorry. There’s this huge party going on right now to celebrate the victory and all that. I’m not exactly sure where Rey is at the moment. Can’t you do that thing with the Force?”

“She…” He stopped suddenly, ashamed. “Poe, she shut me out. I made a horrible mistake and she probably never wants to speak to me again but I had a horrible nightmare and I need to know that she is okay. Please, can you find her?”

“Okay, Give me like five minutes, I’ll call you right back.” And without a second thought, Poe ended the call, and Ben was left in the dark and silent room.

\--

Poe found Rey several minutes later in the outskirts of the crowd. She had the same cup in her hand that Finn had offered to her over an hour earlier, but it was still full.

“Hey, are you okay?”

Rey looked up at him and gave him a meager nod. “I’m not feeling very celebratory today.”

“What did Ben say to you before he and Beaumont went to Jakku?” Poe took a seat next to her on the ground. It had to have been something bad if she was this far from her normal self. "I can tell when something is off with you."

“He abandoned me,” Rey mumbled, looking down at her lap. “He…He said we can’t be together because of the Jedi.” She paused and took a deep breath before she continued. “We got in an argument earlier…I regret everything I said but he can be so infuriating.”

Poe chuckled at the end before saying, “You sound like Han and Leia.”

Rey looked at him confused. “What do you mean?”

“They were almost always arguing about something, whether it was her politics or his starship racing. But, they loved each other.”

Rey’s eyes widened as she shook her head. “That’s…That is not a word I would use to describe me and Ben.”

Poe laughed. “Sure it is, you just don’t know it yet.” He tossed the comlink to Rey then and stood up. “He wants to talk to you.”

\--

Ben felt like he was waiting for an eternity for Poe to find Rey.

_What if she didn’t want to talk to him? What if Poe couldn’t find her? What if-_

Rey’s voice suddenly cut through the heavy air. “Ben?”

He let out a sigh of relief before he replied, “Rey, thank Maker you’re okay.”

“I’m alright.”

“Good…Good.” Ben went quiet after that, which prompted Rey to reignite their connection and sit in front of him. She could tell that there was something off about him.

“Ben,” She whispered. Rey reached out and placed her hand gently on his knee as reassurance. “What’s going on?”

He shook his head and refused to look at her. “Just a bad dream. I’m sorry to bother you. You…You can go back to the party.”

“Ben,” She said again as she moved closer to him. “I don’t like parties.” She paused and searched his eyes with her own. “You’re shaking.”

“You died,” He whispered, squeezing his eyes shut. “In my dream…you died in my arms. There…There was an explosion and…” He trailed off, and Rey watched a few tears stream down his face.

“I’m here. I’m not dead. You saved me, remember?”

Ben nodded and finally opened his eyes to look at her. In an instant, he pulled her flush against his chest in a hug. “I’m sorry that I hurt you. I hope that I can make it up to you one day.”

Rey nodded in response as she tucked her head into the crook of his neck. It was her favorite spot.

After a few moments, Rey maneuvered herself into Ben’s lap and sat there tangled in his arms for what felt like forever. She didn’t even move when Beaumont stepped into Ben’s quarters and handed him a pile of old books.

“I found these in the hut. It looks like they’re journals. I thought you might want them.” Beaumont stood in the doorway and watched as Ben opened the cover of the one on top.

Ben’s eyes widened as he read the signature on the inside of the cover. He traced his thumb over the ink and looked up at Beaumont. “Obi-Wan Kenobi…”

Beaumont nodded. “I’d say they belong to you over anyone else.”

Rey looked at Ben confused but said nothing.

Ben nodded to him and said, “Thank you, for everything. You didn’t have to come here with me or help me. So, thank you.”

“No need to thank me, Solo. That’s what friends are for.” He nodded one last time to Ben and walked out the door.

Rey looked down at the book still in Ben’s hand. He hadn’t gone past the page with the signature on it. “Who’s Obi-Wan Kenobi?”

“Ben Kenobi…” he mumbled. “My namesake.” He glanced at Rey for her reaction before continuing. “He was a Jedi during the time of the Republic, and when the Republic fell, he went into hiding. He watched over Luke and eventually began his Jedi training. My mother always held him with high regard, as this perfect man that could do no harm.” He paused and took a deep breath. “I was pinned under this legacy my entire life.”

Rey nodded in understanding. “That’s why you changed your name.”

Ben hummed in response and peered down at the journal. He turned the pages a few times and skimmed over the writing. It seemed to be a journal from his days in the Clone Wars.

“I wish I could be there with you, for the company. I know this is probably going to be a painful experience for you.”

“You’re here right now, aren’t you?”

She shook her head and placed her hand over his to close the journal. “I told you that I would help you, but you need to rest first.”

Rey reluctantly stood up and helped Ben lie down in bed. “I wish you were here,” he mumbled.

“I know. But you’ll be back to Ajan Kloss soon enough…” She trailed off and looked away from Ben. She had to tell him, but she wasn’t exactly sure how. “Ben I…I can’t forgive you, not now at least. But I won’t leave you. I’ll take care of you while you heal. I promise you that.”

He nodded in understanding. “I love you,” he whispered.

She knelt on the ground to be level with him and said, “I know.”

Ben drifted off to sleep then, and when he woke hours later, Rey was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There may not be another update for the next couple of weeks because I have four final papers to write before the semester ends, BUT I am going to try my best! I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Let me know what you thought in the comments!


	8. Part 8

**Jakku Standard Day Three**

Ben sat on the floor of the room and stared at the pile of books across from him. Rey had left the top cover open, which revealed the dead Jedi’s signature. _Obi-Wan Kenobi._

He refused to look through the pages any more than he had the night before. He was afraid of what he might find, or better yet, what he may not find. He did not need any more proof that he and Rey were not supposed to be together.

Ben sighed and closed his eyes. He could sense Rey lingering in their bond, almost poking him. He knew she was inherently curious about the books, but he wanted nothing to do with them.

Suddenly, the air was denser than it had been, almost humid, like a jungle.

A voice broke through the silence. “Beaumont commed…Said you’re coming back today.” Ben didn’t need to open his eyes to know that Rey was now sitting across from him.

When he didn’t respond, she continued. “Did you read it?”

“There’s nothing in those books that I wish to find.”

Rey rolled her eyes and ignored him. “I did some research…This Obi-Wan guy was friends with your grandfather. Did you know that?” She shifted in her spot and pushed a piece of hair behind her ear that had fallen in her face.

“I know.” When he opened his eyes, he saw Rey fumble through a book in her lap. Her hair was up in those three buns again. _She must be around other people._

“You didn’t mention it last night…you hardly mentioned any of the things I’ve found. He was one of the only Jedi to survive Order 66. He-”

“Rey, stop.” Ben abruptly cut her off and exhaled heavily.

“Ben, why didn’t you tell me about this?” She closed the book on her lap and set it somewhere, where it then immediately disappeared from Ben’s view. “I’m only trying to help you like I said I would.”

The memory of the day in the jungle flashed between both of their minds.

_After a moment of hesitation, Ben wrapped his arms tightly around Rey and pulled her closer as he rested his chin on the top of her head. “There are so many things I don’t know…Will you help me?”_

_“Of course I will.”_

“I hate that man. I can’t think of him without being reminded of the pedestal they put me on. I’d rather burn those books than read anything he had to say.”

Rey’s cheeks burned with fury. She stood up then and towered over Ben with her hands on her hips as she said, “You have everything you wanted to know about your family at your disposal and you’re going to throw it all away. I have nothing Ben. _Nothing._ I don’t get to choose whether I want to know anything about them.”

She walked over to the pile of books, picked the top one up, and threw it at Ben. “Maybe you’ll find some sense of decency inside.”

And as quick as she was there, Rey was gone in an instant and the air was cool again.

Ben was left with only one thought: They weren’t leaving Jakku just yet.

**\--**

“Where did you say we’re going again?” Beaumont glanced uneasily at Ben, who had finally gathered the courage to end up in the cockpit of the Falcon about twenty minutes prior.

He sat in the pilot’s seat and steered the ship over the sandy hills of Jakku, eyes focused out onto the sea of grit before them. “Somewhere important.”

“I don’t see what else could be on a desert planet like this…” Beaumont trailed off as Ben landed the freighter near an old AT-AT almost nearly covered by sand. “An old AT-AT? What is so important about that?”

Ben turned in his seat to face the man next to him with a solemn look on his face. “This is where Rey used to live.”

“She used to live…here?”

Ben nodded. “Do you mind if I do this alone?”

\--

Ben ducked as he entered the abandoned imperial weapon, which was beginning to drown in the sand. His eyes immediately floated to a wall of scratches, his mind full of the memories he drew from Rey during her interrogation.

_“Do you still count the days since your parents left?”_

He shuddered at the thought. That wasn’t him anymore.

He changed direction in an attempt to clear his mind and came upon a small set of handmade shelves. Ben found a set of tableware and a pan, but it was what sat next to them that stirred his curiosity.

Next to the pan was a small, plain metal box. It looked harmless to Ben and it intrigued him. He grabbed it from the shelf and slowly opened it to reveal the contents: a pair of small ruby-encrusted earrings. He stared at them in shock. Why would Rey keep something so valuable if she was fighting for rations every day?

Suddenly, the air shifted strangely around Ben. He closed his eyes, and a memory enveloped him.

_It was dark, but there was a nightlight somewhere just outside of his vision. A woman crouched before him, but he couldn’t see her face. Her perfume was too light, it wasn’t his mother. She knelt down in front of him and adjusted his shoes, which Ben realized were not his own._

He was watching someone else’s memory.

_The woman had on a dark cowl, but the nightlight reflected perfectly against the ruby earrings dangling from her ears. “Sleep tight, my darling Rey.”_

Ben shot up from where he had somehow gotten to the ground and ran straight back to the Falcon, the tiny box secure in his hands.

As soon as he stepped foot inside the ship he yelled, “Chewie! Get us back to Ajan Kloss.”

\--

Ben was back on the floor where he had started his morning except this time, he was going to make himself read Obi-Wan’s journal. Rey was right, he had everything. He put a hand over the pocket in his trousers where he had placed the small metal box an hour earlier. He was nervous about losing it.

He turned back to the journal and decided that he wasn’t going to start at the beginning and was pleasantly surprised to find that each entry was dated. _At least he was organized._

Ben thumbed through the pages until he found an entry from near the beginning of the Clone Wars.

_21 BBY_

_Anakin thinks he is sly, but it is obvious the way he feels about Padme. The senator is more subtle than my dear apprentice. They are hiding something. Even the council suspects something. Maybe Ahsoka or Rex knows what it is._

_-_

_Cody suspects that Anakin and Padme are sleeping together. I don’t particularly know how to feel about this. While it is none of my business, I hope that Anakin could confide in me about this so I can tell them to stop. Emotions are blinding, especially for him. He cannot separate what is right and wrong because of his feelings. It could be his downfall._

“This is useless,” Ben muttered as he tossed the journal back onto the pile. The force of the throw tumbled one of the other journals out of the stack and opened it face-up on the floor.

Ben grumbled as he reached over to pick up the fallen journal. He slid his hand over the cover to remove the dust with his right thumb placed in between the pages it had fallen open on. He flipped the book open again and revealed an entry from long before the Clone Wars.

_We met a young boy today after arriving on Tatooine. Anakin. He has a very unique signature in the Force, unlike anything I or Master Qui-Gon have ever seen. Master says that he does not have a father._

Ben skimmed through the rest of the entry about a pod race but found an added note scribbled in at the bottom.

_Born from the Force…_

“What does this mean…” Ben trailed off, searching through other entries for more answers. There was nothing.

Anakin was a mystery, just like his dyad with Rey.


	9. Part 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit shorter than I originally wanted, but I hope you enjoy! Let me know what you think in the comments :)

The air felt suddenly heavier to Rey once she knew Ben was headed back to the rebel base. She tried to busy herself with anything that could distract her, like cleaning or helping Poe with electrical work on his x-wing. But every time she thought she had her thoughts under control, Ben was sitting in the back of her mind again.

She was laying under the x-wing looking at an electrical panel when she felt him next to her. It was maddening, how he could distract her this easily. She turned to the left to glare at him and was distracted enough to shock herself with the wires.

“Ow!” Rey pulled her hand away and bit her lip at the pain. It would probably leave a nasty burn.

“Rey?” Poe called from the top of the ship. “You good?”

“Yeah, yeah. I’m fine.” She pulled herself out from under the ship as carefully as possible, her left hand basically useless. “It’s just a burn, I’ll live.”

Poe nodded and climbed out of the cockpit before leaning against the side of his ship next to Rey. “Do you want some bacta cream? Or ice?”

Rey shook her head. “I’ll be fine. It’s not even that bad.”

He nodded again and ran a hand through his hair anxiously. “Look Rey…I’ve been meaning to talk to you about something.”

She glanced over at the man and her eyes widened in realization. “Poe, look I…I’m flattered, really. But I’m not…”

“Rey, what are you talking about?” Poe looked at her strangely, as if she was talking gibberish.

“You looked like you were about to confess your feelings for me, but now I’m not so sure…” She blushed, suddenly embarrassed as Poe burst into laughter.

“No, no, no, no, no. It’s nothing like that. We uh…We came to a decision about Ben the other night, the leadership and I.”

Rey nodded. She knew this was coming. “Okay.”

“I know he’s coming back tomorrow, so I wanted to talk to you about it now before we broke the news to him, in case maybe you wanted to do it.”

“What exactly did you decide?” Rey turned to completely face Poe then, confusion was written on her face.

“We thought it would be best if Solo kept to himself somewhere. Lando suggested Chandrila, where he grew up. We’ll set him up with some credits and a decent place to live, but we can’t have him gallivanting around the galaxy. It’s not safe.”

“He’s…He’s trying to heal. He wants to live a better life now. That’s why he went to Jakku with Beaumont…Ben’s trying to find his way back to himself.”

“First off, that was an unsanctioned mission, so don’t get me started on that. Second, he can do all of that on Chandrila. You can even go with him if you want, I’m not going to stop you.”

Rey shook her head. “He won’t go back to Chandrila willingly. He’s still struggling with losing Leia. If that’s where he grew up, it’ll be too hard for him.”

Poe sighed and looked disappointed at Rey. “Then he can pick any planet, within reason. But he can’t go running around causing problems. If people catch wind that he’s alive, there will be hell to pay. No one will want to believe in this government we’re trying to build if they’re being deceived by it.”

“Okay,” Rey agreed. “He’s…he’s not going to like it, but I’ll talk to him about it. How soon does he have to leave?”

“Well hopefully everyone will be off base in a few weeks. Finn and Rose are leaving tomorrow to talk to some government officials. Maybe within the year, we can get a representative government together again.”

Rey smiled. “You’re doing a great job Poe, I hope you know that.”

“Thank you, I…uh, I appreciate it. I’m trying really hard to honor Leia’s legacy.”

“Maybe you could talk the Prince of Alderaan into helping you…if you ask nicely.” She grinned wider as she walked backward toward the cave.

Poe rolled his eyes but smiled back. “Ha, ha. Very funny.”

Rey gave Poe one last innocent smile before turning her back to head towards her quarters.

Finn saw Rey walking back toward the cave and knew this was his only opportunity. Ben was coming back from Jakku tomorrow according to Poe, who acted as his inside source since Rey had mildly been avoiding him. She was hiding something from him, Finn was sure of it.

He jogged over to his friend and gently reached for her arm. “Rey, can we talk?”

“Finn!” Rey wrapped her arms around him in a hug. “Where have you been?”

“Where have I been? Where have you been? You’ve,” He paused for dramatic effect as he lightly pushed his index finger against her sternum. “…been avoiding me.”

Rey gasped at his accusation as an attempt to hide her eventual confession. She HAD been avoiding him, but she didn’t realize that he had noticed. She didn’t want to admit to Finn that he may have been right about Ben.

“I have not been avoiding you.”

“Yes, you have. You’ve been avoiding me because Ren left and broke your heart and you didn’t want to hear me say ‘I told you so.’”

Instead of admitting that he was right, Rey swerved and changed the subject. “What was it that you wanted to talk to me about?”

“Well, uh…” Finn grabbed Rey’s arm then and gently dragged her off to the edge of the jungle. Resistance fighters were milling around in the center of the base still, and he was afraid that someone might overhear. Ren already knew and he didn’t want anyone else to know; they would treat him differently.

“You always said that the Force was really just lifting rocks, right?”

Rey shook her head and laughed lightly. “Well, yes. But more as a joke.”

“The thing is…” Finn looked away nervously. “I think I can lift rocks.”

Rey grinned and replied, “Okay.”

“Okay? Just okay?” Finn was flabbergasted. Was she not surprised at all?

“Yes. Let’s see what you’ve got then, c’mon.” Rey grabbed Finn’s hand as he had just done to her and led him down the jungle path to a semi-open area where she normally did her training.

It was an unusually nice day, given the fact that they were on a jungle planet. The sun was shining through the tree branches above them and illuminated their path as they walked. It was peaceful as if the world around them was also celebrating their victory against the First Order.

“I’ve never actually done this before…It’s more of a feeling.” Finn rubbed the back of his head anxiously as he spoke. He stood a few feet in front of Rey and looked mildly uncomfortable.

“I never had either, remember? Sit down and put your hand flat against the ground.” Rey watched as Finn did what she asked. She then knelt in front of him. “Now close your eyes and pay attention to what’s around you. What do you feel?”

“I feel…nothing.” Finn opened his eyes again and sighed. “I told you, I don’t know how to do this.”

“Well…Let’s try something else then.” Rey sat down in front of Finn and crossed her legs. “Meditation,” She started, to which her best friend groaned.

“You know that I’m not very good with…feelings. I never learned how.”

“Well Finn,” Rey opened her eyes again and looked seriously at him. “It’s time to stop saying never and start learning. Now, close your eyes and even your breathing with your heartbeat.”

Rey closed her eyes again as she finished speaking and let out a deep breath. “I’m going to completely relax and open myself up to you. Concentrate on me, and nothing else.”

Finn nodded and took a deep breath before he closed his eyes. He did as Rey told him: even his heartbeat and breathing. Then, after the few agonizing minutes of trying to center himself, he reached out toward Rey and felt everything.

Pain, no…it wasn’t just pain. She felt…alone. Rey was surrounded by so many people, but she felt so alone.

Finn shivered. Everything Rey felt was so intense.

_Abandonment._

_Longing._

_Sadness._

_Fear._

_Anger._

But underneath all of those emotions, Finn saw something else.

Hope.


End file.
